Masochistic Marine

GeekSlut says all marines are bottoms, and this marine was the biggest masochist and submissive I've ever met. If it was painful and degrading, he was into it; the more painful and more degrading, the better for him. He desired some things I wouldn't do to him as a top, but I admired it about him because he could go farther than I'd be able to (as a bottom).

He got down on his knees and asked if he could submit to me. In response, I slapped him hard across the face. One of the loveliest things I've ever seen is how he crumpled at that, his head bowing down and his shoulders slumping, his whole demeanor immediately changing. I pulled his head against my chest and stroked his hair reassuringly, and he wrapped his arms around my waist, sighing. First things first, he needed to be punished for a behavioral infraction, something I'd asked him not to do and he ignored the request; I warned him about the punishment on the phone, before he'd come over. Honestly, I'd found a reason to punish him: being such a deep masochist, I knew he enjoy starting off with a punishment and that it'd help him get into a submissive headspace. Bent over my bed, a dildo shoved down his throat and his face pressed into the mattress, he took thirty-five hard whacks from my carriage whip, leaving long, bright red welts across his ass, thighs, and back (his spine and kidneys carefully avoided). When it was over, I told him that he was forgiven and everything was okay now, and he fell to the floor, hugging my ankles, kissing my feet and thanking me.

He had a thing for PVC, so I dressed him up in an outfit he'd brought and his knee-high, five inch heeled boots. With a ball gag in his mouth and his arms tied behind his back, he stood in the living room while I cooked dinner. For a man (or really anyone) not used to wearing heels, standing in them for any amount of time can become painful. After half an hour, I turned around to see him shifting from one foot to the other, trying to ease the ache. Bad idea. I walked over to him and asked what the point was of making him stand in the heels, and he said (around the gag) that it was the pain. I asked him if he didn't think it was disobedient to try and ease the pain by shifting and lifting his feet, and he agreed. I reminded him to always tell me about his discomfort, both so I can enjoy it and to decide if he needs permission to ease it. As punishment he had to stand, without moving his feet, for another half hour. After an hour in the heels, I let him take them off and he said "I don't know how women can wear heels all day." Without pointing out that women don't usually wear five inch heels all day, I said, "because we're not sissy bitches like you."

The rest of the evening is a bit of a blur (that's what I get for writing this up months later). We ate dinner and snuggled on the futon, watching TV. Just like a lot of bottoms, he wanted to be coddled and clutched at me, whimpering and thrusting his hips. I told him to stop humping my leg like a fucking bitch in heat. Later on, I put a CBT ball stretcher on him and covered him with clamps. Sucked on his cock until he got all worked up, then backed off and let him calm down, working him up again, backing off, over and over. He wore the ball stretcher for more than half an hour and when I finally took it off, and the blood rushed out, his knees buckled and he bent over in pain.

I do remember fucking him in the ass with a strap-on. Mine is a harness with a pouch at the front; different sized flared-end dildos can be placed in an O-ring, and there's a pocket on the inside for a bullet vibe to get me off (plus, the vibe makes the dildo jiggle too). Being such a total bottom, of course he wanted to take it on his back, with his legs high up in the air, so he could watch. He took a small dildo (only four and a half inches) but complained about it. I teased him, saying "if I can take a pounding in my ass from a thick eight inch cock, you can take this little thing without whining like a bitch." I put my hands on his ankles and pushed his legs back further, going harder and harder. I will always remember the look on his face, amazement and adoration, and how fucking loud he moaned (my neighbors had to have heard).

I let him sleep in my bed that night and he snored like a beast.

Electric Sex

The Hippie was my first lover after The Husband moved out. He is the one who did the great service of fucking my ass four times in one night (sweet, sweet man!), the first time I'd had sex since my marriage ended and the first time I'd gotten anal in years. He's supposedly a top, but mainly wants to dictate positions and acts, and - believe it or not - there's more to topping than that. He's wonderfully kinky though, and introduced me to cupping, dilator sounds, and electrosex. He's really the only one I spend time with doing other things, like watching movies, going out to dinner, surfing for porn on the web, etc.

I hated the electricity the first time, but loved it the second and am a big fan now. He has two insertables, one butt plug and a dildo for my puss, that can be wired up to a TENS unit (but his is larger with various manual settings, dials and knobs and what-all; hell, there were things shoved in my ass and cunt, I didn't pay that much attention to it). He could change the voltage, speed, and pulse; sometimes it was waves, moving up and down along the toys, sometimes very prickly, like the things inside were covered in spikes, and once he had the charge move in a loop from the toy in my pussy to the one in my ass. My muscles inside started to contract, a rapid sqeeze and release, and it honestly felt like I was being fucked hard. The contractions got so intense, the muscles sqeezing so hard, that I actually shot the one out of my cunt. Needless to say, I was literally clawing up the wall behind me.

Greatest. Sex game. Ever.

Fetishes

Fetishism is a large part of BDSM. A fetish being "something, such as a material object or a nonsexual part of the body, that arouses sexual desire and may become necessary for sexual gratification." You usually hear the word "fetish" used to describe a sexual desire or preference, but really it's something that's an obsession or fixation - even something the person needs in order to get off. A fetish can be anything, but common ones are leather, PVC, denim, heels, and gags. A leather fetishist told me it was the smell of it that got him, and a PVC fetishist focused on the look and feel of the material clinging to the skin.

The only thing I have that comes close to a fetish is for rope. Soft, white, bondage rope. I like the feel of it and the look of it on myself and others. Maybe it's the whole damsel in distress thing, tied up and left on the railroad tracks to be rescued by the hero in the nick of time. Tying someone up with rope, especially in the Japanese style, takes time. Time when you can be close to that person, touching them and manipulating their body. Way more intimate than simply snapping on some leather cuffs.

As a top, I accept the bottom's fetish(es). Whatever they like, turns them on, humiliates them, and/or puts them in that submissive headspace. If he's got a fetish for wearing five inch stilettos and told he's a girly whore, that's what we do. If he needs to be restrained and feel immobile, that's what we do. Whatever they like, within limits, I'm willing to try.

Playing Both Sides

In BDSM terms, I am a switch. Almost a "true switch," in fact, meaning that I take equal enjoyment from both Dominating and submitting. Deep down though, I prefer being submissive and am more turned on by the loss of control than the command of it. If I had to choose only one role for the rest of my life, it would definitely be submissiveness. In either role, the emotional connection and mental aspect of the power exchange is what's most important to me.

For a long time, my main interest in submitting was mainly behaviorial and mental D/s and your basic rough sex. With time and opportunity, I've developed a greater enjoyment of bondage and masochism. In fact, I haven't yet found a Dom who would/could hurt me as much as I'd like. I need to find a Dominant Sadist who'll hurt me to the point (and beyond) of tears. I really want to explore my pain limits, and would even be willing to try play peircing, cutting, and branding (someday, in a committed, monogamous relationship; it's not smart to let blood fly around in a casual encounter).

Understanding my subself is what makes me a good Dominant (which is more about attitude and demeanor than the toys): I have been in that submissive position, gone through those same tortures, and so can empathize with and better appreciate what my submissive partner is experiencing.

As a Dominant (or Domme), I'm a sadist. Almost more than anything else, I enjoy inflicting pain on a masochist sub, watching them endure and suffer in their eagerness to please and knowing that it is cathartic for them. Whimpers, grunts, and hisses from the pain are aphrodisiacs to me. Is really is a high to have so much control over a person, to have them trust me so much they'd allow me to restrain them and hurt him, that they'd literally put their body in my hands. How could I not care about and appreciate someone (especially a man) brave enough to be powerless to me? How could I not take care of them? So mixed in with the infliction of pain are reassuring words, tender touches and kisses. I've been told that I'm "merciless but not cruel," and it's obvious that I care. It shouldn't be any other way.

A Very Kinky Girl

The first time I had sex after The Husband moved out, I took it in the ass four times in five hours, mostly without any lube. I was aching to hurt; I was aching for even the tiniest bit of kink.

See, I am Kinky. I'm not talking about "spicing things up" with the occassional silk scarf blindfold or a little spanking; I'm talking about whips, flogs, clamps, clothespins, rope, leather, play peircing, electrosex, strap-ons, etc. I'm talking about being used like a whore, and hurt hurt hurt until I'm a whimpering, sobbing, puddle-of-girl curled on the floor. Kink is my sexuality, like how some people are Queer and others are Straight - I am Kinky. I will try almost anything at least twice, just to make sure if I like it or not. For me, even "regular" sex contains biting, spitting, choking, scratching, hair pulling, and name calling; kink happens when the toys come out to play, and when one participant enacts the role of submissive and the other Dominant.

The Husband was very vanilla (i.e. not kinky, at all): not even anal sex. He knew I was kinky before we married (at first he teased me about it, and later on he ridiculed me for it). I gave up being kinky for him and had "normal" sex for a long time. I'd still enjoy sex, and still come, but something was missing. Eventually I became frigid, from the tumultuous nature of the relationship and probably partly from the neglect of my sexuality; this sexual dysfunction was horrifying to me: I was always highly sexual with a very active libido and it was a true loss of self to be cut off from that.

When The Husband moved out, I decided to make kink the focus of my sex life, using kink to regain my sexual self and rediscover the beauty of my cunt. It's worked pretty damn well. My libido is back, in full force, and lifelong friends have commented that I'm once again like I was before the marriage: always thinking about sex, regularly talking about sex, and ready to fuck at any time. When I wake up, I want to fuck; when I come home from work, I want to fuck; before I go to bed, I want to fuck; right now, I want to fuck. For me, sex is the antedote: for headaches, bodily pains, fatigue, depression, hunger, anxiety, or stress. That had been missing in my marriage, and when it ended I really made up for lost time.

Introduction

I am female, late 20s, in the middle of a relatively amicable divorce, and living in a major New England city. I am college educated, politically liberal, kinky by nature and promiscuous by choice.

In this blog, I write about my sexual experiences since my husband moved out. I tried to be in love and I tried to be monogamous, and now I'm trying something different.

I use condoms every time and get tested (including full pelvic exam) at least every six months. I disclose this to my potential partners, and also that I see other people, and ask them about their status before any sexual contact.

That being said: my behavior is still risky and I do not promote others engage in the same behavior unless they are fully aware of the potential consequences. Condoms are not fail-safe and don't adquately protect against some things (like Herpes or HPV) anyway. People can lie about their status and/or when was the last time they were tested; the only way to really make sure is to insist on seeing the paperwork from the doctor showing the date of testing and the results - but who carries that around in their back pocket? I am an informed adult who makes a conscious choice, and so are my partners.

The names of my partners have been changed because they don't know I'm talking about them on the web. All persons mentioned are over eighteen years-old.

"Am I gay? Am I straight? And then I realized, I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?"
- Margaret Cho